Stewie, Brian, & Glory's Amazing Bloopers
by Dbzfreak60
Summary: If you guys think Stewie, Brian, and Glory Griffin are funny on screen, wait until you see what happens when they mess up.
1. Road to Rhode Island

Jazzy Family Guy Music played in the background.

The first Pics of the first adventure starts off with the screen that says "Family Guy Presents Stewie, Brian, & Glory in"

A second pic shows a flag that says "Road to Nowhere Land"

A record scratch sound occurred once I noticed an error in the title.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

I turned to my left to see Sarah, the Director's assistant.

Dbzfreak60: Sarah, get the writers on the set.

Sarah: Yes sir!

I hopped out of my Director's chair and approached the green screen. In a matter of seconds, two of the writers came to see me.

Writer #1: You wanted to see us sir?

Dbzfreak60: Yeah! I do!

I motioned my hand toward the title name.

Dbzfreak60: What's this? What the Hell is this?

I crossed my arms.

Dbzfreak60: You boys care to explain?

Writer #2: Uh, yeah, it's a typo sir.

Dbzfreak60: A typo, huh? Hm? I-If it is a typo, shouldn't it be Rhode Island spell incorrectly? Hm? 'Cause as I can tell, that doesn't sound even close to Rhode Island.

Writer #1: (Sigh) Okay sir. It was just a hint. The kids in us we're kinda hoping for a crossover with Maggie and the Ferocious Beast!

Dbzfreak60: Maggie and the Ferocious Beast! To Hell with that! I'm not crossing Family Guy with a kids show.

Writer #2: Well, technically you crossed the show with My Little Pony, so... didn't you already did?

Dbzfreak60: No! That's completely different. The past My Little Pony shows and films, maybe they're just for children. But Friendship Is Magic is completely different. If you look pass the niceness and the laughing and focus more on the drama and the evils, you'll know that it 'seems' like it's just for kids. Like that Happy Tree Friends show.

Writer #2: Uh, how are both shows the same?

Dbzfreak60: Like I said, both shows seem like they're just for kids because the characters are ponies and colorful animals. 'Cept the colorful animals gets killed a lot and there's blood.

Writer #1: Ah! Well, when you put it like that, I.. guess that makes sense.

Dbzfreak60: Exactly! Now fix this title so we can move on, okay?

Writer #1: Yes sir, you got it.

The two writers left while I went back to my seat.

* * *

Brian was at his therapist explaining his past while smoking.

Brian: And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Therapist: Well Brian, I-I think we've stumbled upon the root of your problems. You have adandonment issuses. You need to confront your mother and deal with this.

Brian: What are you, crazy? For God sake, my eyes were barely open. She just-She just gave me away.

Brian placed his cigarette into the ashtray.

Brian: Well, it's her loss, right? Yeah! I turned out great. Huh? Am I right? RIGHT? YEAH! YEAH YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M RIGHT!

He positioned his arm on the table for arm wrestling.

Brian: YOU-YOU WANNA ARM WRESTLE? COME ON! RIGHT NOW! COME ON!

Therapist: Brian, have you been drinking?

Brian: DAMN RIGHT I WAS! NOW COME ON! RIGHT HERE! COME ON! LET'S DO THIS!

Sarah: Um, sir, is that in the script?

Dbzfreak60: Uh, no Sarah, it is not.

I sat up from my chair.

Dbzfreak60: Alright, who gave Brian too much to drink?

Brian pointed at me.

Brian: YOU! ARM WRESTLE! RIGHT HERE! COME ON!

Dbzfreak60: Whoa, whoa! Easy homeboy. Don't get crazy now.

Brian: Oh, oh, you want crazy?

He flipped over the table.

Brian: I'll show ya crazy.

He got down on all four paws.

Brian: (Roof) (Roof) (Roof) (Roof) (Roof) (Roof)

I backed away a little.

Dbzfreak60: Holy crap! SOMEBODY CALL SECURITY!

The whole crew started running and screaming as Brian ran towards the camera and knocked it over. He continued to bark in front of the lens.

Brian: (Roof) (Roof) (Roof) (Roof) (Roof)

Dbzfreak60: FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHERE'S THE FREAKIN' SECURITY WHEN YOU NEED 'EM?

* * *

I began approaching the snack table where I've seen the Griffin Family discussing.

Dbzfreak60: Hello Griffins.

They stopped talking and looked at me with surprised looks.

Dbzfreak60: What were you guys talkin' about?

Peter suspiciously moved his eyes side to side.

Peter: Uh, uh, food!

Lois: Earrings!

Chris: Music!

Meg: Crayons!

Glory: Feeble minds!

Stewie: A dead Lois?

I was so confused.

Dbzfreak60: Um... okay? Whatever!

I grabbed a Dorito from a bowl and dipped it into some Jalepeno dip.

Dbzfreak60: So anyway, what's the word on Brian at the vet?

I started eating the chip with dip.

Lois: Oh, where to even begin?! Security's confiscated all of Brian's booze in his secret compartment. Doctor's say he won't be able to act until tomorrow.

I turned my attention toward Peter.

Peter: Oh yeah! They say he was so drunk, that his intestines started moving like worms. Eh? Can you imagine that? Having wormy intestines in ya body? Eh? Or-Or maybe perhaps some gummy wormy intestines. Eh? Think you can live with that? I don't think so.

Dbzfreak60: I see.

I checked my watch.

Dbzfreak60: Well, since it's 7 o'clock, I suppose we have no choice but to postpone the episode until tomorrow. Sound good?

The family chattered in agreement.

Dbzfreak60: Great! So tomorrow then!

They agreed again and said their goodbyes, leaving me alone at the snack table. As I picked up another chip, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to the side and saw Glory with blushing cheeks.

Dbzfreak60: What up, Glory?

Glory: Heeeey, boss. Um... have you seen Seth MacFarlane around here?

Dbzfreak60: Uh, yeah, he just went home early.

Glory: Oh, okay! Um, do you think you can tell him to give me an autograph? With some hearts all over it? A-And make it say, "With Love"?

Dbzfreak60: Uh... yeah! Yeah, I think I can do that.

Glory: Okay, great then. Chow!

I've watched her skip happily as Stewie climbed onto a chair and then onto the table.

Stewie: Well, someone's got the hots for my voice actor. Wouldn't you say?

Dbzfreak60: How do you think I feel? No girl like that has ever felt that way about me.

Stewie: Oh, really? What about your assistant, Sarah? Hm?

I blushed a little.

Dbzfreak60: Hey! She's just an assistant!

* * *

Lois: Oh I could never choose. I love all my children equally. It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa.

 **(Pewterschmidt Mansion)**

Babs and Stewie had just finished eating breakfast. So the maid's picking up the dishes.

Babs: Give Nana a big hug, sweetheart.

During the hug, Stewie sneakly took off grandma's necklace. Instead of being thrown into the maid's pocket, the necklace hit the maid's stomach. And after it hit the floor, the maid stepped on it and fell too.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

Stewie: Damn! Well at least it's not the first time I've messed up!

 **(Flashback)**

In the kitchen, Glory and Stewie were baking.

Glory: Okay, Stewie. I'm gonna go to the restroom for a bit. You just add the flour and mix. Got it?

Stewie: Okay.

Glory left the room, leaving Stewie behind. After the screen did a horizontal flip, Glory came back into the kitchen.

Glory: I'm back. (Gasp)

She saw Stewie mixing flowers into the batter.

Stewie: Now what?

* * *

Babs: Stewie, gather your things. Time to go.

Stewie walked downstairs with his backpack and Rupert.

Stewie: Well it's about bloody time! Y...

Stewie paused to see Glory and Brian.

Stewie: Th-th-th-th-that idiot slattern sent the beauty and the doggy beast? Oh-Oh, Well! Well! This is-this is-this is oh oh uh... D-D-D-D-D-D-Don't even get-get-get me started. I-I-I-I-I mean really. Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what I really think that of-of... of-of-of-of-of

I facepalmed.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh)

Sarah: Something wrong sir?

Dbzfreak60: Yeah! He's stuttering too much. CUT!

Stewie suddenly stopped moving.

Dbzfreak60: Glory, you know what to do.

Glory: Yes sir.

She took out a key from her pocket and placed it into Stewie's back. She then started winding the key.

Dbzfreak60: Careful with that one, Glory. That one's a rental. You don't wanna overwind it like you did with the other ones.

The next shot showed a dumpster with robot Stewies in it. One of them had his head blown off.

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

While Peter was watching television, Lois came into the living room with a video cassette in her hands.

Lois: Peter, guess what I just got. A relationship video. The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple.

Peter: Lois, when did we ever had trouble communicating?

 **(Flashback)**

Stewie: And now to test my teleportation pods.

He got in a pod and the door closed. He then noticed that Rupert was in the same pod as him.

Stewie: (Gasp) OH DAMN!

Stewie tried to get out, but it was too late. They transported to the other pod and Stewie came out half human and half stuffed.

Stewie: AWWWUUUGHHH! I'M A MONSTEEEEERRRR!

 **(Reality)**

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) CUT! Wrong flashback people!

* * *

 **(Palm Springs Airport)**

At a bar, Brian was so drunk, he spun around in his chair. He was spinning so much, that he fell out of his chair.

Brian: Ow!

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

I walked up to Brian and helped him up.

Dbzfreak60: Brian, are you drunk again?

Brian: No! No! I... I feel fine, you increasingly attractive-looking woman. Ya know, y-you're very pretty.

Dbzfreak60: Dude, you're suppose to act drunk. And plus, I'm not a woman, I'm a dude.

Brian: Aww, don't be like that babe, come here.

Dbzfreak60: Hey, what are you-

He grabbed onto my leg.

Dbzfreak60: Hey! HEY! WHAT THE HELL!

I started shaking my leg.

Dbzfreak60: HEY! GET OFF OF ME!

The entire cast and crew started laughing at me.

Dbzfreak60: GUYS THIS IS NOT FUNNY! GE-GET OFF OF MY LEG!

Drunken Brian started kissing my leg.

Dbzfreak60: I MEAN IT, BRIAN! GET OFF OF MY LEG! GET OFF OF MY LE- SECURITY!

* * *

 **(Motel)**

Stewie: There's only one way to do this.

Stewie dialed in different phone numbers.

Stewie: 111-1111. Lois? Damn. 111-1112. LOIS? DAMN! 111-1113.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! Wrong number, Stewie. You punched in three instead of one.

Stewie: Oh, come on! Of-of-of-of-of all the times.. where there were minor errors, this one really matters?

I gave a deadpan look.

Dbzfreak60: Okay, let's move on.

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

Amanda: I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room, because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while.

Lois: I can see this is gonna be very intense. Phew have fun.

While Lois was beginning to leave, I was watching how the show was going on the monitor next to me.

Amanda: Make sure your wife is out of the room.

While Peter was checking, Lois winked at Peter before closing the door.

Peter: Check.

Offscreen, Lois and the Griffins were laughing evilly. They watched around the corner to see me watching the show on my monitor. Meanwhile, Amanda took off her glasses, scrunchie, and waved her hair.

Amanda: So, you wanna talk or do you want me to take my top off?

Peter's eyes widened as Amanda took off her jacket.

Amanda: That's what I thought. Oh, man!

Peter quickly closed his eyes before Amanda unbuttoned her shirt and opened it. When she did, The Puppet from Five Nights At Freddy's 2 appeared in front of her boobs and performed his jumpscare like in the game.

Dbzfreak60: AAAAAAAAUUUUGGHH!

My chair fell backwards along with me. After I hit the floor, the entire cast and crew began laughing at me. Peter got outta bed and walked towards me.

Peter: OH MY GOD! We so got your ass, man. We so got your ass.

I got up off the floor.

Dbzfreak60: Oh, oh real mature people. Real mature.

* * *

At the Motel, Brian was licking Glory while she was sleeping.

Glory: Oh yeah, that's it.

She opened her eyes and saw Brian licking her face.

Glory: Hey wha... WHAT THE HELL! AAAUUUGGHH!

She fell out of the bed and became unconscious. The phone rings and woke up Stewie.

Stewie: (Yawn) I got it.

He fell out of bed and got back up. Stewie then grabbed a hot steamer or something and burned his hand.

Stewie: Hello... AAAUUUGH! OHOHO! OH! DAMN IT! A PUS-SPEWING (Bleep)ing BLOOD-GUTTED HELL! AAUUGH!

He picked up the real phone.

Stewie: WHAT? What do you mean our credit card was declined? Oh-no-no-no-no! There no need to come up. We'll, we'll...

The manager hung up.

Stewie: Oh! BLAST!

As Stewie was getting dressed, Glory stayed on the floor.

Dbzfreak60: Helloooo! Glory! This is the part where you get up.

Stewie poked her a bit, but Glory didn't move.

Stewie: Oh! Um! Mr. Director, um, here's the thing. Um, sh-she's completely out of it man.

I became surprised.

Dbzfreak60: Oh!

Stewie: Yeah!

Dbzfreak60: Okay, um, that's all for today people. Um, someone call a hospital and not tell her parents about this. Oh and when she wakes up, tell her she ate some bad shrimp and fell out. Okay?

The entire crew agreed.

Dbzfreak60: Alright, then. Um... I'm just gonna go home now and pray to God this won't happen again.

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

After Lois hung up the phone, Peter came in with a video cassette.

Lois: The kids and Brian are taking a train home.

Peter: Lois, can we not talk about curtains for two seconds. I got another one of those relationship tapes.

Lois took the tape and read the price.

Lois: $49.95? That's three times as much as the first one.

Peter: Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. Uh, I mean nickles and boobs. Money. I'll be upstairs.

Peter ran upstairs, leaving Lois behind. After Lois went upstairs, she tried opening the door.

Lois: Peter why are you so...

She was having a tough time opening the door.

Lois: Damn it. It's stuck.

Dbzfreak60: Again? (Sigh) CUT!

I got up from my seat and went to Lois.

Dbzfreak60: Step aside, Lois. I got this.

Lois: Okay.

After she backed away, she turned around and put her fingers in her ears. The second I opened the door, Nightmare Bonnie from Five Nights At Freddy's 4 jumpscared me.

Dbzfreak60: AAAAAAAUUUGGH!

After I ran behind my chair, Nightmare Bonnie turned out to be Peter, who took off the mask.

Peter: Hehe! Fooled ya.

The entire crew laughed at me again!

Dbzfreak60: AW COME ON! THIS IS SOME BULL (Bleep)! YOU GUYS GOT SOME (Bleep) NERVE DOING THIS TO ME TWICE!

Stewie, Brian, and Glory: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

The trio hi-fived.

* * *

On the trail, they carried Buscuit to a place to bury her. While on the trail, the trio dropped her once the Greased-up Deaf Guy intervened.

Glory: What the Hell?

Greased-up Deaf Guy: Hahaha! Catch me if you can!

Dbzfreak60: What the- don't just stand there, people. Let's get him.

Everybody and I started chasing the Greased-up Deaf Guy around the studio. Because of the greasy trail he leaves behind. Most of us slipped and fell as he continues to get away. I, myself, even slipped.

Greased-up Deaf Guy: Hahaha! Can't catch me.

Dbzfreak60: Why you greasy son of a- SECURITY!

* * *

Peter came into the kitchen.

Lois: Peter, isn't there-

Peter noticed the new tape on the table.

Peter: Oh my God, the new video. Ohhh, life is sweat.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! It's sweet, Peter. You said sweat!

Peter: Duh! Do ya think so?!

I facepalmed.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) I'm surrounded by idiots.

* * *

As I went inside the restroom, I began humming a song. Once I opened one of the stall doors, Chica from Five Nights At Freddy's 1 Jumpscared me.

Dbzfreak60: AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHH! OH GOD!

After I fell to the floor, the entire cast came in and Chica turned out to be Carter Pewterschmidt in disguised. The cast surrounded me and then laughed at me as I wet myself.

Dbzfreak60: WHAT THE (Bleep) IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I GOT FEELINGS TOO YA KNOW.

* * *

In the video, Amanda has no shirt, or skirt. Just underwear and her bra.

Amanda: How bout some whipped cream?

Peter enjoys staring at her.

Peter: Ooohh! That's always good.

Amanda: And some cinnamon.

Peter: (Gasp) Oh! That's good too.

Amanda: And then guess what. I'm going to add...

Peter: Oh Geez, if she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

Amanda: We're going to add...

The Greased-up Deaf Guy came on set and knocked the TV over.

Peter: Hey!

Greased-up Deaf Guy: Hahaha! I ruined your precious tv ya'll.

Dbzfreak60: Damn it! Security!

* * *

 **(Mini-Mart)**

They continued to carry Buscuit until they've stopped in front of a store.

Brian: Wait here, guys. I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park so we can give my mother a proper burial.

After Brian went inside, Stewie decided to make a joke.

Stewie: Come on, darling. Stiff upper (Hiccup) lip.

Stewie and Glory laughed at Stewie hiccup.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

Stewie: Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-It's not everyday... that you hiccup during filming.

Glory: Y-Ya know! I think... I think this is like... your way of hitting puberty. Y-ya don't have the voice of a kid. You got a grown man's voice. So, I think that's the case. Or maybe it involves Crack.

* * *

 **(Park)**

At the park, Brian dug a hole for his mother and they put her in.

Brian: (Sigh) Say someting, Stewie.

Stewie: What?

Brian: Just-Just say something, please!

Stewie: Oh for God's sake!

Brian and Glory bowed their heads.

Stewie: Um, uh, yea, and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son lsaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you. You'll have to speak into the micro..."

The Grease-up Deaf Guy came on set and pushed the trio down.

Greased-up Deaf Guy: Ya'll didn't think I'd be back, did ya'll.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Will somebody get rid of that Greased-up Deaf Guy, already?

* * *

I began whistling a song as I entered the restroom. I stopped whistling once I realized what happened last time.

Dbzfreak60: Wait a minute!

I took off my right shoe and slowly approached the stall doors. I quickly opened the first one, but it was empty. I then opened the next one, and it was empty too. I then opened the last stall door and was relieved when it was empty as well.

Dbzfreak60: Phew!

I placed my shoe back on and went into the last stall. After closing the door, I decided to sing a song.

Dbzfreak60: _"I saw Mercury" "Then Venus" "I saw the Earth" "Then Mars" "I saw Jupiter" "Then Saturn" "Uranus" "And Neptune"_

I flushed the toilet and then opened the stall door. The second I exited the stall, the head of Ballora from Five Nights At Freddy's: Sister Location popped out of the middle stall and Jumpscared me.

Dbzfreak60: AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHH!

After I fell to the floor, the cast revealed themselves from the tiles in the ceiling.

Quagmire: Loser!

And there they go again laughing at me. I was so mad, I started angrily shaking my fist into the air.

Dbzfreak60: DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ASSHOLES TO HEEEELL!

Quagmire decided to speak up as the cast continued to laugh.

Quagmire: Say guys, after today, can I have that Ballora doll?

* * *

Near the end of the song, the trio climbed to the top of the train.

Stewie, Brian, and Glory: _"We're Rhode IIIISLAAAAND..."_

They made to the top.

Stewie, Brian, and Glory: _"BOOOOuuu..."_

They fell off the train and into some bushes. They were hurt so bad, they groaned. I was so speechless, that I slowly turned off the camera.

* * *

Chris: Okay, Meg. I'm thinking of another word. And this time, it's definitely not kitty. Can you guess what it is?

Meg: Is it Kitty?

Chris: Uh! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUTTA MY HEEEEEAD!

Dbzfreak60: CUT! PERFECT! That's a wrap, everybody!

Everybody got together.

Dbzfreak60: Nice job, everybody! Let's celebrate with PIZZA!

The cast and crew cheered as they exited the room. As soon as they did, I pulled the relationship video and gave a snoopy laugh. I placed the tape in the VCR and pressed play. In the video, Amanda had no shirt, or skirt. Just underwear and her bra.

Amanda: How bout some whipped cream?

Dbzfreak60: Yeah, that's it.

Amanda: And some cinnamon.

Dbzfreak60: Uh-huh? Yeah?

Amanda: And then guess what. I'm going to add...

Dbzfreak60: Come on, babe. Say the name.

Amanda: We're going to add...

Springtrap from Five Nights At Freddy's 3 was edited into the video and Jumpscared me.

Dbzfreak60: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHH!

I fell backwards into my chair. As soon as I did, a bucket of water fell on me from the ceiling.

The whole cast and crew came out of hiding and started laughing at me again.

Dbzfreak60: YOU BASTARDS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

They were too busy laughing out loud to even listen.

Dbzfreak60: THIS IS SOME BULL CRAP, GUYS! THIS IS SOME BULL CRAP AND YOU KNOW IT!

As everyone continues to laugh at me, I started crying my tears out.

Dbzfreak60: I CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY TAKES A DIRECTOR SERIOUSLY ANYMORE! DAMN YOU, DONALD TRUMP!

The trio were on the floor laughing their butts off.

Peter: Oh God! What a jackass!


	2. Road to Europe

I slowly crepted inside the studio looking all tired and a bit sweaty. While everybody was getting ready and setting up equipment, my assistant showed up and was walking by my side with her clipboard.

Sarah: Good morning, sir.

Dbzfreak60: Hey... Sarah. You got my morning pill?

She pulled out the pill from her front shirt pocket.

Sarah: As you requested, sir.

Dbzfreak60: Thanks.

I took the pill and swallowed it. After that, I pulled out a glass of water. I took a huge sip and dropped it to the floor.

Dbzfreak60: CLEAN UP.

A janitor quickly appeared and began cleaning the mess up with a mop. As Sarah and I continued walking, Seth MacFarlane came by my side and patted my back.

Seth: He-eey! What's up little homeboy?

Dbzfreak60: Mornin', Seth. You ready for another Road to Adventure?

Seth: You bet. My teeth are whitened, my breath is fresh, and my voice is ready to go to work.

Dbzfreak60: Alright, cool. Oh, and Seth? At some point, could you maybe give Glory an autograph, with some hearts all over it, and make it say, "With Love"? She'd really appreciate it.

Seth: Uh, sure. No problem. I'll just might do that.

We both bumped fists.

Dbzfreak60: Cool, dog. So, uh, go get ready. We're about to shoot this episode in a few minutes.

Seth: Aight. See ya after the show.

Seth went to the sound booth as I tiredly and slowly approached my director's chair. I let out a sigh when I sat down.

Sarah: Are you okay, sir? You don't look so good.

Dbzfreak60: No. I'm not. That was one Hell of a day those bastards put me through during the Road to Rhode Island. I dunno why I even volunteered directing these adventure episodes in the first place. If I had known they would scare me like that...

I pulled out a gun.

Dbzfreak60: ...I would've shot myself with this gun.

I looked at my gun.

Dbzfreak60: Well... if it wasn't made of cheese of course.

I took a bite out of my cheesy gun before turning towards the cameraman.

Dbzfreak60: Yo, Jacob? You ready to shoot this?

Jacob: Uh, yeah. Whenever you're ready, sir.

Dbzfreak60: Kay.

I put away my cheesy gun and pulled out my megaphone from the side of my chair.

Dbzfreak60: ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ACTION!

 **(Griffin House)**

In the living room, Glory was on the floor watching television while Chris, Meg, and Brian were on the couch. This kept going until Stewie came rushing in towards the TV.

Stewie: I say, it's 4 o'- AUGH!

Stewie tripped.

Stewie: Dammit!

Dbzfreak60: CUT! Well, this isn't going to be a good day.

* * *

Brian came into the living room.

Brian: How can you stand watching this?

Stewie didn't say anything.

Brian: It's dreck and you know it.

Stewie's still distracted.

Brian: Oh, don't have the guts to respond, huh? No intellegent defence of this unmitigated crap?

Stewie: Commercial!

He kicked Brian in the nuts.

Brian: (Groan)

Brian fell to the floor.

Stewie: I'm gonna get some graham crackers.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! PERFECT! ICE!

Some guys rushed over to Brian and gave him an ice pack.

Brian: (Moan) Come on, boss. Is this your way of payback for scaring you with Five Nights At Freddy's characters?

I shook my head with a grin.

Dbzfreak60: Don't look at me. As much as I want my revenge, I'm afraid it's the writer's fault for writing the scripts ya know. I'm just the director.

* * *

Gene: So if you're a KISS fan and you live in the Northeast, come out for all five shows of what we're calling KISS-Stock!

Peter: Ah Hell, the Northeast! It's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.

Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.

Peter: We are? Then KISS is coming to the Northeast. That-That means... Uh?

Lois: That means...

Peter: No, no, Lois. Don't help me. It means we can do something.

Lois: Come on, Peter. You're almost there.

 **(Dentist)**

A dentist was drilling into Peter's teeth, that is until Peter hopped out of his chair.

Peter: We can go to KISS-Stock!

The cleaning tool suddenly had a mind of its own. So instead of getting in the dentist's eye, it went after Peter by throwing itself into Peter's mouth.

Peter: AAAAAUUGGH! OH CRAP! AAAAUUGH!

As Peter kept screaming, he tried to get away, but the tool stopped him by wrapping itself around Peter, holding him to the chair. And then, the tool jammed itself inside Peter's mouth. All of us behind the fourth wall blocked the sight of what was happening to Peter.

Sarah: Sir, this is getting a little too extreme.

Dbzfreak60: Yeah, I know. Guess I'll check him off the revenge list too. Aaaaaannndd... that's enough. SECURITY!

* * *

 **(Take 1)**

In the living room, Stewie was watching Jolly Farm, but his TV-time gets interrupted by Peter's voice from upstairs.

Peter: Yo, Lois!

Lois: What?

Peter: I'm packing for KISS-STOCK and I can't find my favorite underwear.

Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you're stepping on 'em pullin' em up in the airplane backroom from when you had the trots?

Dbzfreak60: CUT! It's bathroom, Lois.

Lois: Tch... Oh God!

 **(Take 2)**

Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you're stepping on 'em pullin' em up in the airplane backroom from when you- Ugh! Damn it.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

 **(Take 3)**

Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you're stepping on 'em pullin' em up in the airplane bathroom from when you had the trots?

Peter: No no, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cuz it was an extra long top church sermon and I thought blowing ga-

Peter blew a raspberry and then laughed. I started gritting my teeth.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! AGAIN!

 **(Take 10)**

Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from when you're stepping on 'em pullin' em up in the airplane bathroom from when you had the trots?

Peter: No no, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cuz it was an extra long top church sermon and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after mass and it sounded like Louis Armstrong.

Lois: Oh, bottom drawer.

I placed my hand over my face.

Dbzfreak60: Oh thank God!

I turned towards the cameraman.

Dbzfreak60: Jacob, did you-

I noticed he wasn't there and the camera was down. Jacob suddenly came back while zipping his pants.

Jacob: Sorry I'm late. I had to take a piss. What'd I miss?

I started twitching my right eye before falling out my chair like an anime character.

Dbzfreak60: Oh God, kill me now.

* * *

Dbzfreak60: ACTION!

 **(Quahog Airport)**

Stewie was searching for the flight to London.

Stewie: One of these planes must be going to London.

He spotted a british family in line.

British Mom: Queue up, children spit-spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours. Thank you.

Stewie snuck in line behind the british family.

Stewie: Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and two meg- um veg.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

Stewie: What are you talking about? The script said I should cut in line, and that's what I did.

Dbzfreak60: You know that's not what I meant.

I facepalmed.

Dbzfreak60: Ugh! This is getting more upsetting than when I fed the lions at the zoo.

 **(Flashback)**

I was dropping food down into the lion's habitat until a couple of jerky teenage boys came by and pushed me down in it.

Dbzfreak60: Ow!

Teen: Loser.

I stood up and angrily shook my fist into the air.

Dbzfreak60: Why I outta...

I heard growling sounds behind me. I turned around and saw a pack of lions in front of me.

Dbzfreak60: Oh Sh(Bleep)

* * *

Glory and Brian made it to the airport and searched for Stewie.

Glory: You see him?

Brian: (Sigh) Nope! Let's keep moving.

They ran together until they stopped and looked out a glass window.

Brian: Look! There he is.

They spotted Stewie hopping aboard the plane.

Glory: Crap! Let's go.

They entered a door that said "Airline Personnel Only" and ran up the cargo conveyor belt. Before even reaching the door, they both slipped and fell off. They groaned after hitting the ground.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

I stood up from my seat and turned to the whole crew.

Dbzfreak60: Alright, which one of you got rid of the safety mats?

Chris and Meg saw this and closed a door before giggling quietly.

Chris: That'll teach 'em for not giving us enough screen time.

* * *

After a long flight, the plane had finally reached its destination.

Stewie: Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all?

Brian: Yeah, a little.

Glory: Me too.

Stewie: Oh, I couldn't sleep a week. My pillow smelled like farts. But that's all right because we're in England!

When the trio looked outside, they realized something.

Brian: Oh.

Glory: Crap!

They saw a bunch of sand.

Stewie: Well, I don't get it. We're in England's verdant fields, it's rosy-ramp rosy-rum, ram, rum, run, rum raisin.

Brian and Glory laughed.

Glory: Try sayin' that messed up sentence five times fast. Hehe! CUT!

* * *

 **(Village)**

The trio decided to walk around an arabian village.

Glory: Where are we going, Brian?

Brian: I dunno, Glory. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian village.

They passed by some villagers trying to sell some stuff.

Villager 1: Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply made stuff for sale!

Villager 2: Hey, Americans. You like doovies? I've got "Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, But Praise Allah-

Dbzfreak60: Ugh! CUT! It's movies.

Glory: How would you know? You haven't been in one.

I gave a deadpan look before burying my face into my hand and sigh. When I wasn't looking, Glory and Brian hi-fived.

Dbzfreak60: Back to one.

* * *

They stopped by someone selling camels.

Villager 3: Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced.

Stewie: Oh great. Buy one and let's get outta here.

Brian: What do ya mean buy one? All I've got is 50 bucks. There's no way I'm spending that.

Stewie: Psh! Fine! Cheapskate! What about you?

Glory: Ummm?

She picked out everything in her pocket.

Glory: All I got is 10 dollars, a marble, a bug...

She got a closer look at it, and it was moving.

Glory: Girl bug- AAAAUUGHH!

She tried shaking it off, but it began crawling around her arm.

Glory: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Brian: AAAAUUUGHHH!

Stewie: OH MY GOD!

While Glory was trying to smack to bug off of her, Stewie and Brian grabbed some sticks and started beating Glory with them to kill the bug.

Glory: Ow! Ow! THAT'S NOT HELPING!

Stewie: HOLD STILL!

They kept swinging, but Glory grabbed the stick from Brian and punched him in the face. Stewie hopped on Glory to find the bug, but Glory threw Stewie off of her. One thing led to another, and soon enough, all three of them were beating each other. I fell backwards outta my chair and started laughing my butt off.

Sarah: You're not going to call "Cut", Sir?

I sat back up in my chair.

Dbzfreak60: Not yet, Sarah.

I wiped a tear off my face and pulled out the real rubber bug from my pocket.

Dbzfreak60: Revenge is so sweet.

I pulled out my secret list and checked Glory and Stewie off of it.

* * *

 **(Middle of the Desert)**

In a sandy desert, the trio were together as the sun sets.

Brian: Oh, man, we're screwed. We're lost in the desert, we have no food, no water, and our camel is dead from exhaustion.

Stewie went over to the camel's body.

Stewie: And I had named him and given him a back story. Chucky had the biggest hump of all the camels in his village, and he was picked on for it. But then, there was a terrible drought, and Chica, Chucka, Choo-Choo, Chouau. Oh, hahaha! Oh, damn. Now that... that was a cut.

* * *

Brian: We have to slice open our camel's stomach and shelter ourselves in his entrails.

Glory covered her mouth and realized she threw up a little.

Stewie: (Gasp) Eviscerate Chucky?! I won't do it!

Brian: We're gonna die if we don't.

Glory: I'd rather take my chances out here than go in there. Stewie, you go.

Stewie: Oh, all right.

Brian took out a dagger blade and sliced opened the camel's stomach. Glory covered her mouth and was about to throw up for real instead of fake puking off-screen. Instead of running to the left of the set, she ran straight towards me beyond the fourth wall.

Dbzfreak60: Glory, no. No, no, no, no, CUT! QUICK! CUT!

* * *

 **(KISS-STOCK)**

The entire place was crowded with KISS fans everywhere.

Lois: Oh, isn't this exciting?

Fan: Hey, anyone got a light?

Five fans, including Peter, spat fire from their mouths, but they lit the KISS fan on fire.

Fan: AAAUUGHG! AAAAUUUUGHH!

Everybody screamed in horor.

Peter: HOLY CRAP!

Dbzfreak60: CUT! HURRY, GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS.

All five people who set him on fire ran and found some fire extinguishers. And just like in "Superhero Movie", they started hitting him to the ground with the fire extinguishers.

Fan: OW! AUGH! CUT IT OUT! OH GOD!

I groaned before I facepalmed.

Dbzfreak60: Why couldn't I afford a real stunt man? I so should've won the lottery.

* * *

Outside the studio in the sunshine, Seth MacFarlane was leaning against the wall giving Glory his autograph. Glory was standing by his side blushing and with her hands behind her back.

Seth: 'With Love... your romeo... Seth.. MacFarlane'

He offered his autographed picture to Glory.

Seth: Here ya go, Glory.

Glory took the autograph picture and held it close to her heart.

Glory: Thanks, Mr. MacFarlane. I'll treasure this forever.

Seth: Please, I insist.

He placed his hand on Glory's shoulder.

Seth: Call me Seth.

Glory blushed from the action. Soon enough, Seth and Glory were both walking around the place while the sun was setting.

Seth: And that's why everybody kept confusing me as a Jonas Brother.

Glory giggled by that reply as they stopped walking.

Seth: Ya know, Glory. You have to say, you have a nice giggle. I kinda find it pretty cute... just like you.

Glory blushed again.

Glory: Aw, you're so sweet Seth. You're very... handsome.

Seth: Well, thank you.

There was a moment of silence.

Glory: Hey, Seth? I know this is all sudden, but... would it be cool if you... give me a little kiss?

Seth: For my number one fan?

He thought about it for a moment and smiled.

Seth: Ah, what the Hell. It's not everyday I get to kiss my fans.

Glory smiled, puckered out her lips, and closed her eyes. Seth closed his eyes and went in for the kiss. He slowly moved his lips in closer... and closer... and closer... Unfortunately, they jumped by surprise from the sound of a door being slammed opened. Coming outside was Peter dragging out a heavy trashbag. Glory and Seth played it cool by leaning their backs against the wall and Seth whistling.

Peter: Damn it. It's times such as this I wish I was a Sears critic.

After tossing the trash into the trashcan, he turned to Glory and Seth behind him.

Peter: Oh, hey guys. What are you two doing out here?

Glory slightly looked away as she twirled the strands of her hair around.

Seth: Um, uh... We-We were just uh... thinking about inviting you to the after party.

Peter: Aw yeah?

Glory: Um, of course dad. You are the star of the show, why wouldn't you be invited?

Peter: Well I guess you got a point. Alright, I guess I'll see ya there.

And with that, Peter went back inside the studio, leaving Seth and Glory to sigh in relief.

Glory: Great. Now we gotta make an after party happen.

Seth: Don't worry about it Glory. I'll call some people and they'll make it happen with no problem.

Glory: Aw thank God... and you of course.

Seth: Alright, the less we don't speak of this moment again, the less people'll know about it.

Glory: Gotcha.

They suddenly saw Chris by them.

Chris: (Gasp) Oh my God!

Seth and Glory quickly put on sunglasses and Glory pulled out some kind of pen.

Chris: You two were about to ki-

Glory pressed it and a flash of light occurred. When Chris blinked his eyes, he saw Glory and Seth without their sunglasses.

Glory: Chris, what are you doing out here? We have a show to do.

Chris: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Chris went inside the studio, leaving Seth and Glory alone.

Seth and Glory: Phew.

Seth: Alright, let's get back to the show.

Glory: Right.

Seth stopped once he reached the door.

Seth: Oh, wait a minute.

Glory: What?

Seth looked all around the area and spotted nobody before he quickly placed a gentle kiss on Glory's lips for a split second. Glory's eyes wided by his action.

Seth: See ya at the after party.

After Seth went inside, Glory fainted with her eyes closed and a smile. After about a minute, I came outside and found Glory on the ground.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Dammit Glory.

I managed to pick her up and held her into my arms.

Dbzfreak60: I'm so cutting your break time to 25 minutes.

And with that, I carried Glory back into the studio.

* * *

Dave: I don't think anyone knows more about KISS than I do.

Peter: I'm-I'm sorry. What was that?

Lois: Peter, It's not important.

Peter: Let him answer, Lois.

Dave: I said no one knows more about KISS than I do.

Dotty: Fellas, please keep it civil.

Dotty backed away off-screen as Jacob slowly directed the camera towards her way. I, on the other hand, stared at her nakedness with my mouth opened.

Peter: I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave.

Dave: Well, throw down if that's what you want.

Peter: Name Gene Simmon's special-effects mentor.

Dave: Amaze-O the magician. What high school did Paul Stanley go to?

Peter: New York High School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before KISS?

Dave: Wicked Lester. What year did KISS appear on The Jim Nabors Halloween Special?

Peter: Trick question. It was Paul Lynde and it was 1975. Now recite the magazine ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention.

Peter & Dave "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972.

Dave: Exemplary!

Peter: Rock and roll!

They stuck their tongues out and rocked out.

Peter: Did you get that?

They've noticed Jacob pointing the camera at Dotty.

Dave: Hey, HEY! That's my wife.

Jacob rubbed the back of his head.

Jacob: Uh, Um. Yeah.

Jacob ran away with Dave chasing him.

Peter: Oh, oh, great. S-See, that is bogus. Now we gotta do it all over again.

They saw me completely frozen. Sarah waved her hand over my face.

Sarah: Um, sir?

She snapped her fingers, which made me shake my head.

Dbzfreak60: Tuesday!

I looked around the cast and Sarah.

Dbzfreak60: Huh? Oh, um... CUT?

* * *

 **(KISS-STOCK)**

The band sung their song "Rock N Roll All Night"

KISS: _"You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting"_

Peter: Oh, Lois, here comes the best part.

KISS: _"I wanna rock and roll all night"_

Gene moved the mic over to Lois.

Lois: _"And have a wonderful time"_

The song stopped and everybody's jaws dropped.

Lois: What? Is that it? No, no, it's uh _"And something something all... day"_ Right?

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

I placed my megaphone down and stood up from my chair.

Dbzfreak60: Lois? Get up on the stage please.

Lois: Um... okay?

She went up on stage with KISS as I crossed my arms and turned to the KISS audience.

Dbzfreak60: Everybody... Lois Griffin has messed up a legendary KISS song. You know what that means, don't you? Tomatoes up.

I ordered like a general and everybody raised their hands and revealed to be holding tomatoes, including Peter. KISS saw this and ran off the stage.

Lois: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I was just sticking to the script.

Dbzfreak60: FIRE.

By my command, everybody booed and threw their tomatoes right at Lois as she backed away, blocking the tomatoes with her hands. The force was too strong, she fell backwards and ended up in a fetal position.

Dbzfreak60: Hmph!

And with that, I checked Lois off the revenge list.

Dbzfreak60: Five down, two to go.

* * *

After gettng out of bed, the Pope went to the bathroom. After exiting the bathroom, he dropped his clothing on the floor.

Father: Pope, the floor is not a hamper.

Pope: Maaaaan!

He picked up his clothing and placed in the hamper.

Father: Good. Now it's time to go on the balcony and address the people.

Dbzfreak60: RELEASE THE BALLOON.

After putting on his hat, he walked onto the balcony, where he was not caught by the trio's balloon. The balloon missed the Pope.

Dbzfreak60: Dammit! CUT!

* * *

 **(Germany)**

In Germany, the trio caught a ride on a tour bus.

Tour Guide: Besides its beautiful historic architecture, Munich was ze home of many great writers, such as Thomas Mann. You'll find more on Germany's contribution to ze arts in ze pamphlets here provided.

Brian: Yeah, uh, about your pamphlet. Um, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a crap.

Brian quickly realized his mistake.

Brian: Uh, gap.

Everybody on the tour bus was laughing.

Brian: Ahehe! Sorry, one more time.

* * *

 **(Amsterdam)**

Brian: I'm exhausted. Come on, let's get a coffee.

After crossing a bridge, they were just about to enter a coffee bar. When they touched the door, the door just fell. The trio snickered at the mishap before Glory and Stewie fell to the floor laughing.

Dbzfreak60: Crap! Somebody repair the damn door.

* * *

 **(Take 1)**

French Narrator: Several Minutes Later.

The trio felt high and dizzy.

Stewie: I think the only reason we die is...

Brian: Dude, dude, I know what you're gonna say and I am sooo completely...

Glory: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh-shh! B-B-Baby talking first.

Stewie: The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability.

Stewie exhaled as the smoke was in my way. Sarah and I coughed and waved the smoke out of our faces.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! (Cough) Okay, less smoke.

 **(Take 2)**

Stewie: I think the only reason we die is...

Brian: Dude, dude, I know what you're gonna say and I am sooo completely...

Glory: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh-shh! B-B-Baby talki-

The whole crew and I began coughing from the smoke.

Supervising Producer: Sir. (Cough) There's too much smoke again.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! (Cough) Who the Hell is doing the smoke? 'Cause this is clearly too much smoke.

 **(Take... uh... somewhere over 10?)**

Everybody in the studio was high from the smoke.

Stewie: I think- um... Wh-what was I talking about?

Brian: Well I-I-I... Um...

Glory: A-Are we like... filming or something?

The trio all fell out of their chairs.

Dbzfreak60: S-Sarah?

Sarah: Um... y-yes s- what?

Dbzfreak60: Um... i-is this a good thing?

Sarah: Um... wh-what is?

Dbzfreak60: I... I dunno.

Jacob appeared to be sleeping with the camera pointing down. Soon enough, everybody in the studio fell asleep.

* * *

It's a new day and I had just entered the studio seeing Jacob wiping his face.

Jacob: Morning, sir.

Dbzfreak60: Hey Jacob.

Jacob and I hi-fived.

Jacob: Good call firing the smoke guy.

Dbzfreak60: Yeah! I had no idea he was arrested before for causing traffic damage with his smoke. I believe he called it "High Traffic". Anyway, it's a good thing Seth MacFarlane was safe in the sound booth. We couldn't afford to have someone of his talent to be hospitalized.

Jacob: Speaking of Seth, I understand he voices most of the characters on the show, and yet the characters can speak without Seth voicing them. Doesn't that defy all logic or something?

Dbzfreak60: Nah! While on screen when we're rolling, they somehow sound like alvin and the chipmunks. See, the chipmunk voice stops whenever there's a mess up or if I call "Cut." That is why Seth voices them while they lip sync.

Jacob: Um, th-that's the thing right there. Um... Since Seth is voicing them, isn't 'he' the one messing up their lines?

Dbzfreak60: Eh, I couldn't care less about that kind of stuff making sense or not. As far as I'm concerned, this is a fanfic where anything defies logic. So who cares?

Jacob: (Gulp) What?

Dbzfreak60: Yeah, this is a blooper fanfic of the Road to episodes. You didn't know that?

I pointed up.

Dbzfreak60: Look, there I am typing this blooper fanfic right now.

In the ceiling, we both saw the real me typing this fanfic.

Dbzfreak60: See what I mean? There's two things right there defying logic. Me being in two places at once, and a shot of the real world in the ceiling.

I looked around.

Dbzfreak60: Jacob?

I found him on the floor, shivering in a fetal position.

Jacob: I am real. I am real. I am real.

I facepalmed.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Want some time alone, buddy?

Jacob: Mhm.

* * *

 **(Take 1)**

They exited the restaurant.

Lois: Oh, wow! Such a small world. He was a nice boy, and he's still nice.

They stopped for a moment.

Peter: Listen, Lois, uh, about what I said before, I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world!

They kissed and Peter looked up into the night sky.

Peter: My wife did KISS!

Lois: And George Clooney.

Peter: What?

Lois: Nothin'.

 **(Take 2)**

Peter: My wife did KISS!

Lois: And George Lopez.

Peter: What?

Lois: Nothin'.

 **(Take 3)**

Lois: And Chris Tucker.

 **(Take 4)**

Lois: And Mayor West.

 **(Take 5)**

Lois: And J. Geils.

 **(Take 6)**

Lois: And daddy.

 **(Take 7)**

Lois: And Brian.

 **(Take 8)**

Lois: And the Director.

Peter: What was that? I-I'm sorry, what was that?

I quickly moved my eyes side to side before speaking.

Dbzfreak60: Uh, uh, okay people. That's enough with this scene. Let's uh, we'll use take five. J. Geils. Okay, let's uh... let's move on.

* * *

Inside the building, the trio were searching for the door that leads to Jolly Farm.

Stewie: (Gasp)

They found the Jolly Farm Door.

Stewie: Well, this is it. I'll say goodbye to you both now.

Brian: Well, have a good life, Stewie.

Stewie: Oh, I shall!

Stewie was about to go in before turning back to his friends.

Stewie: Oh hey, I've meant to ask you. Did you guys ever find out what that button on my bureau was from?

Glory: Actually, yeah. Turns out... that button came from Chris'sisisisisisis-

She blew a raspberry.

Glory: Ha! My bad.

* * *

 **(Jolly Farm Set)**

Stewie was on the set.

Stewie: (Gasp) Oh! There's Happy Hill!

Stewie ran up the hill, and he slipped and fell backwards off the hill.

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

Stewie: Oh, Bloody Hell. When I rule the world, that hill shall pay most dearly.

* * *

Host: Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! PERFECT! That's a wrap everybody.

Everybody was relieved and started leaving as Seth MacFarLane ran up to me.

Seth: Good day, huh?

Dbzfreak60: Yep!

We hi-fived.

Seth: See ya at the after party.

Dbzfreak60: I'm there.

He left as Meg and Chris approached me.

Dbzfreak60: Hey... you two. What's up?

Chris: Um, sir, we were just wondering. How come we don't be the stars of these episodes?

Dbzfreak60: Because Stewie, Brian, and Glory are the funniest. Nobody wants background characters.

Meg: Background characters? We have you know that we're co-stars. And by the way, despite how we're treated, a very descent amount of people happen to love us.

I quickly placed my hands over my mouth.

Dbzfreak60: (Gasp) Both of them?

Meg and Chris sighed.

Chris: We're not gonna let you get to us, dude.

He crossed his ams.

Chris: Not gonna let you get to us.

I held my hands out.

Dbzfreak60: Okay. Okay. Okay. If it makes you two feel any better, there's a large sack full of fan mail just for you two. It's right over there behind that door.

They looked behind them.

Meg and Chris: Oh boy!

They ran while Sarah stood by me.

Sarah: Um, sir, is this part of your revenge?

Dbzfreak60: Uh-huh?

Sarah: What did you do?

The sound of glass was heard and Chris and Meg were screaming.

Dbzfreak60: I set up a box of fruit flys and bees in there.

I checked them off the list.

Dbzfreak60: We should go.

Sarah and I left the studio, leaving Chris and Meg alone with the insects.


	3. Road to Rupert

I was sitting in my chair as the crew was preparing the set. All they had to do is put up a chair in front of a bookcase. As they place books in the bookcase, I let out a really long groan with my assistant standing by me.

Sarah: Something on your mind, sir?

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Yes. C-Can you believe tha-

I buried my face into my hand.

Dbzfreak60: Look, I-I'm sorry. I'm-

I uncovered my face.

Dbzfreak60: I-I-I just can't believe.. they've written a one hour 'Road to' episode.. with Buzz Killington starring in the first half. I-I-I just don't see why.. we ever needed this character. I mean like his name suggests, he's such the buzz kill. And these episodes are all about Stewie, Brian, and Glory anyway.

Sarah: The critics demanded a half hour of education. If we didn't gone through with this, they would've threaten to cancel the show for good. However, you can cut the whole scene out and sell it as a deleted scene on DVD.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Okay. The sooner we get this done, the better. Sarah, you go on and take the day-off. You'll still get paid for today.

Sarah: The whole day? Are you sure?

Dbzfreak60: I'm afraid so. It beats standing here and listening to... 'Him'

Sarah: If you say so, sir.

After Sarah left, I turned my attention towards the cameraman.

Dbzfreak60: Ready for a half hour of Hell, Jacob?

Jacob: As ready as I'll ever be.

Buzz Killington came by my side and lifted his hat.

Buzz: Good day, sir.

I lifted my head as I slouched into my chair.

Dbzfreak60: Hello, Buzz. Go ahead and get into position.

Buzz: Very well, good sir.

Buzz went onto the set and sat in his chair.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) Roll camera.

Jacob took a second to take some pills to stay away.

Jacob: Rolling.

I placed my head down with a sigh before lifting the palm of my hand in the air.

Dbzfreak60: Action.

Buzz: Good morning, boys and girls. I am Buzz Killington. You may know me as quite the "Buzz Kill", but that my friends is where you are wrong. Today we are going to learn about the joys of teamwork. For starters, you can see I have a children's book title 'Three Little Pigs'. Do you know why these pigs build their houses with straw, sticks, and bricks? Because they were trying to see which one can build their own pigpen the fastest. Hmhmhmhmhmhm! Now then, let us continue onto the greatest journey of team building. And then, once this is all over, we will begin learning from 'Goldilocks and the three bears' about the dangers of strangers. Hmhmhmhmhm! Get it? 'Dangers' rhymes with 'Strangers'! Hmhmhmhmhm!

I used my index finger and my thumb to rub my eyes as if I was having migraines.

Dbzfreak60: Uuuuuuuggghhh!

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

In the front yard, the Griffins were having a yard sale.

Lois: Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil?

Peter: Yeah, I've had a lot of good times with this thing.

 **(Flashback)**

Peter pulled his anvil up in a tree with a rope to drop it on someone who would pick up a dollar Peter left on the ground.

Peter: Hehehehe! Ooh, a dollar!

He went to pick up the dollar, but by letting go of the rope, his anvil dropped on his head.

Dbzfreak60: Alright, good stuff.

I gave Peter a thumbs up.

Dbzfreak60: Nice work, Peter.

Peter didn't move a muscle.

Dbzfreak60: Peter?

Peter still didn't move.

Dbzfreak60: Peter, you know that anvil's made of foam, right?

The anvil slipped off of Peter's head and hit the ground. When it did, it made a loud dinging sound, causing me to widen my eyes.

Dbzfreak60: I.. ordered.. a real anvil.. didn't I?

The whole crew chattered in agreement.

Dbzfreak60: (Gulp) I am so in trouble for this.

* * *

Mr. Herbert went over to Chris, who was folding his old clothes.

Herbert: Hey there, Chris.

Chris: Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Herbert: Selling ya old hand-me-downs?

Chris: Yep.

Herbert: You got anything you used to wear in the summertime?

Chris: Just these old shorts.

Herbert became bug-eyed from the sight of Chris' old shorts.

Herbert: Sweet Jesus!

Dbzfreak60: CUT!

Jacob: Cut what, sir?

I placed my megaphone next to my chair.

Dbzfreak60: Nothin'. I just need a bathroom break. Take five people.

Everybody, including myself, were leaving for a break. Chris started walking a few feet before Herbert stopped him.

Herbert: Hey!

Chris turned his head to Mr. Herbert.

Herbert: You keep your fat ass right here.

Chris: Um... okay?

Chris went back behind the stand.

Herbert: Now keep them shorts up.

Chris felt uncomfortable.

Chris: Okay!

Chris held up his shorts to his face until it only covered his mouth.

Herbert: Mmmm!

I finished stretching after standing up from my chair and began walking out until Chris whispered to me.

Chris: (Whisper) Psst! Sir!

I heard Chris' whispering and turned around.

Dbzfreak60: Hm?

Chris: (Whisper) Please help me.

I started rubbing my chin while staring at the ceiling.

Dbzfreak60: Hmm! This is your only scene where you actually have lines, of course there's the kitchen scene where you have no lines, and we just recently hired a stunt double for you.

I turned back to Chris.

Dbzfreak60: Sorry, Chris. I'm afraid you're done for the episode.

I waved good-bye.

Dbzfreak60: _"Bye, Bye, Bye"_

The members of N'Sync appeared before me.

N'Sync: _"Bye, Bye"_

After they split up, I left to go to the restroom.

Chris: (Moan)

* * *

Peter was looking through some old clothes.

Peter: Holy crap. Evel Knievel gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these!

He ran over to Brian and Glory.

Peter: How much for the gloves?

Glory: Dad, those are yours.

Peter: Ten bucks. Two. Seven. Four. Five-Fifty. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.

I began flipping pages into the script.

Dbzfreak60: Uh, Peter, you're suppose to stop at ten.

Peter started shaking as if he was malfunctioning.

Peter: Six. Five. Four.

Dbzfreak60: Peter?

Peter's eyes were crossed and moved around in circles while smoke was coming out of his neck.

Peter: Three. Two.

Dbzfreak60: HOLY (Bleep)! HIT THE DIRT!

Everybody did as I said.

Peter: One.

Peter's head exploded and his body fell onto its back. We all popped our heads out of our hiding places and began walking towards Peter's body.

Glory: That's not dad. That's a robot.

Lois: A (Bleep) ROBOT?!

Dbzfreak60: Dammit. Where's the real Peter?

Turns out Peter was relaxing at the beach.

Peter: Aaaahh! It's a good thing that robot's takin' my place.

* * *

 **(Take 1)**

Peter began walking towards his car.

Peter: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Peter starts his car, runs over the ramp. When he did, he accidentally turned right and was heading straight for me. The crew ran away screaming while I was frozen.

Dbzfreak60: (Gulp) Aw no!

The screen turned black before a crash sound occurred.

 **(Take 2)**

Peter starts his car, runs over the ramp. When he did, he accidentally turned right again. The crew ran screaming and left me behind.

Dbzfreak60: Oh (Bleep) Why me?

The screen turned black before a crash sound occurred.

 **(Take 3)**

I was in my chair wrapped in bandages around my body with an irritated look on my face. Sarah moved my megaphone over my mouth.

Dbzfreak60: ACTION!

Peter starts his car, runs over the ramp, and ruined the cars he ran over. His car landed upside-down.

Dbzfreak60: Oh thank God!

Peter slowly crawls out of his car, sits onto the ground, and grabs his knee.

Peter: (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh! (Inhale) Aaaaaahhh!

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

In the living room, Peter was reading a book on the couch until someone rang the doorbell. Peter went up to the door, opened it, and it was Joe in his police uniform.

Peter: Hey, Joe.

Joe: Good morning, Peter. I'm here to revoke your driver's license.

Peter: What? Why?

Joe pulled out a list.

Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

Peter: Okay, well I guess you can take my license.

After reaching for his wallet, his hand got stuck into his pocket.

Peter: (Grunt) (Grunt) If it wasn't stuck.

Joe and Peter began laughing.

Joe: That's hilarious! Hehehe!

Joe began writing a ticket before giving it to Peter.

Joe: But weighing over 400 isn't.

Peter gave a frown.

* * *

Announcer: We now return to Cheers.

Guys: NOOORM!

Peter: And Peter! Yeaaaah!

Woody: How's life in the fast lane, Mr. Peterson?

Peter: Griffin.

Norm: I can find the on-ramp, Woody.

Peter: He was talking to me, Norm. Quick stealin' my punch lines, ya fat drunk!

He punched the TV and broke it. When he did, his hand was bleeding, which he tried hiding underneath his armpit.

Peter: That show.. stopped being funny.. after Kristie Alley.. ate Shelley Long.

Dbzfreak60: Peter, are you okay?

Peter: Eh.. oh yeah. I'm fine.

Peter passed out onto the floor.

Dbzfreak60: Okay, maybe not. Um, somebody call a hospital.

* * *

 **(Griffin House)**

In the kitchen, Lois opened the fridge door, only to find Peter in it.

Lois: (Sigh) Get out of the fridge, Peter.

Peter: There is no Peter, only Zuul.

Lois: I said get out of the fridge!

Peter: All right, all right!

He tried to get out, but he was stuck.

Peter: Grrr.. ngh... oh come on dammit.

Lois started laughing.

Peter: It's not funny, Lois. It's just the way God made me.

* * *

In Stewie's room, the trio were searching the computer.

Glory: What exactly are you trying to do, Stewie?

Stewie: It's very simple, Glory. I've taken NBA from the dollar bill Brian was paid for Rupert.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! Stewie, you said NBA instead of DNA.

Stewie: Oh, I did? Huh. Wonder why I would say NBA?

 **(Flashback)**

In a hotel room, Michael Jordan came out of the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waist.

Michael: Alright, you ready for this?

His towel fell off and Stewie was dress as a girl in a blonde wig.

Stewie: Okay!

* * *

Stewie: Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running The New York Times and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. Now, are you coming with us or not?

Brian: (Sigh) Fine.

They waited with their thumbs up for a car to show up.

Brian: "Don't You... Forget About Me"

Glory: Uh, who sings that song?

Brian: Simple Minds.

Stewie: Yeah, well that's the wrong song dumbass.

* * *

 **(Quahog)**

On the road, Peter was sitting in the back seat with Meg at the wheel.

Peter: Ah, this sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around?

Meg: Dad, it's just you and me in the car.

Peter: Yeah, don't remind me. It's bad enough I got a suspended license, I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants. I want apple juice.

Meg: Dad, you left your apple juice at home.

Peter started kicking her seat like a child.

Peter: I want apple juice!

Meg: (Sigh) You wanna watch SpongeBob?

Peter: Yes. With apple juice.

Instead of playing Spongebob, the screen played the song surfin' bird.

 _"A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird"_

Dbzfreak60: DAMN IT!

Peter: _"Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word" "A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word" "A-well-"_

* * *

 **(Gettysburg National Memorial)**

The trio had a walk around the memorial.

Stewie: Oh, this is history right here, Guys. Yettysburg. Tyra Banks. The 20th Zane. So many lives loose. All in pursuit of the ideal that no woman should be subjugated because of the color of her agile. These bastards paid the ultimate price here and I messed up my lines and we're going back to one.

They turned around back to the entrance as I facepalmed.

* * *

 **(Quahog)**

With Meg driving at night, Peter and the guys were drunk in the back.

Peter: Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours?

Cleveland: Aw, man. That's a tough one.

Quagmire: What'd she died of?

Joe: I've seen some bodies that have been dead for, uh, six hours. Some of them aren't too bad.

Cleveland: Oh, then Halle Berry.

Meg: God, will you guys just shut up back there?

The guys chuckled before Cleveland gave Meg a wet willie.

Meg: Aah! Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it!

The guys giggled quietly.

Peter: Hey, guys, check this out.

Peter took a lighter and lit Meg's hat on fire.

Joe: Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead.

Meg: What?

Cleveland: Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today.

Meg: What?

Peter: Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.

Meg: AAAAAUUUGGHHHHAAUA!

Quagmire: Don't worry, I'll put it out.

He sprayed beer on her, but the fire grew bigger.

Meg: AAAAAAAUUUGH!

Quagmire looked at the can and realized it said "Gas in a Can"

Quagmire: Whoops!

Meg was driving out of control. The guys managed to jump out before the car crashed through a building window. After it did, it exploded. We all watched with widened eyes.

Dbzfreak60: Um... Sarah?

Sarah: ...uh.. yes sir?

Dbzfreak60: ...That.. that was the Meg stunt double right?

Sarah: ...uh.. yeah. I'm-I'm pretty sure it was.

The actually stunt double came by us.

Stunt Double: Hey, sir. I'm here for the stunt?

Sarah and I turned to the exploding car.

Dbzfreak60: Okay, good news. You're the new Meg. Welcome aboard.

The new Meg and I shook hands.

* * *

 **(Mountains)**

The trio were in a helicopter, flying over the snowy mountains.

Stewie: Brian, be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the thigh.

Brian: What was that? Thigh?

Glory: Did he say, "Thigh"?

Dbzfreak60: He did. CUT!

* * *

Stewie: I said, "Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the..." WWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAA!

Glory: What the hell was that?

Stewie: I'm practicing my comedy crash.

Brian: Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to...

They started losing control.

Stewie, Brian, and Glory: WWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAA!

They avoided crashing into a mountain before the back of the helicopter was hit, causing them to sliding down fast.

Glory: WWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAA!

Brian: WWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAA!

Stewie: (Devil laugh) BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Stewie, Brian, and Glory: WWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAA!

They fell out of their ride and fell flat onto their faces in the snow. However, Glory didn't say her line.

Dbzfreak60: Glory, that's your line.

She didn't answer, but twitched her foot.

Dbzfreak60: Guys?

Trio: Ow!

Dbzfreak60: (Gulp) Oh crap! I sure hope Glory's okay.

* * *

They traveled for a long distance and climbed up a snowy hill.

Stewie: Oh, my God! Brian, Glory, look!

They spotted a city downwards.

Brian: It's Aspen. We made it.

Glory: Yes. Well, it looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all, Stewie.

Stewie: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering.

His chattering teeth turned out to be toy.

Stewie: Isn't that fun? I got these at Black's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Black.

Dbzfreak60: That's racist. CUT!

Brian: Oh, wait. Hold on.

Brian slaps Stewie.

Stewie: Ah! Bitch.

Brian: Now cut.

* * *

 **(Aspen)**

The trio were approaching Stanfords new house.

Brian: Well, this is the place. Looks pretty fancy.

They went to the front porch and Brian rang the doorbell. Stanford answered the door.

Stanford: Can I help you?

Glory: Hi, sir. My name's Glory. Um, look, to make a long story short, my idiot dog Brian here accidentally sold you my brother's teddy be- (Hiccup) Damn it.

The trio and Stanford began laughing.

Dbzfreak60: Okay, okay. CUT!

Glory: Sorry, people. Sorry for the hiccup. I knew that combination snack I ate earlier was a bad idea. My bad. Sorry.

* * *

 **(Take 1)**

Peter and Meg were on the front porch drinking lemonade.

Meg: You know, Dad, it's been really great hanging out with you. I know there's probably a million things you'd rather be doing.

Peter: Are you kidding, Meg? I've had more fun with you than I did going to see Lost in Translation with Cleveland and Quagmire.

 **(Flashback)**

Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland exited the movie theater.

Quagmire: What do you think he whisper to her?

Cleveland: I'll bet it was just awful.

Dbzfreak60: Dammit. CUT!

 **(Take 2)**

Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland exited the movie theater.

Quagmire: What do you think he whisper to her?

Cleveland: I'll bet it was off the hook.

Dbzfreak60: Oh my God. CUT!

 **(Take 3)**

Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland exited the movie theater.

Quagmire: What do you think he whisper to her?

Cleveland: I'll bet it was just right.

Dbzfreak60: THANK YOU!

* * *

Meg: So, I guess this means you don't need me anymore. You'll probably go back to treating me like crap, huh?

Peter: Well, maybe just to keep up appearances in front of the family. You know, peer pressure and all that. But from now on Meg, you and me are secret best friends.

Lois came out with Lemonade.

Lois: Who wants a glass o-

She almost tripped, which caused the lemonade to spill over.

Lois: Oh, pssh, hahahahaha!

Peter and Meg joined the laugh as well.

Lois: I am so clumsy today.

The three continued to laugh.

Dbzfreak60: CUT! Somebody get a mop.

Janitor: On it, sir.

* * *

 **(Colorado)**

The trio and Stanford were on top of a mountain getting ready for a ski race.

Glory: Stewie, I don't think this is such a good idea for you to race this guy. Are you sure you can handle this?

Stewie: Trust me, Glory, I've got a few tricks up my skeeve.

Glory: Skeeve?

The two shared a sibling laugh.

Dbzfreak60: (Sigh) CUT!

Stewie: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Glory: You said Skeeve instead of sleeve, dude. You clearly did that one on purpo- (Hiccup) Crap!

The two lauged again.

* * *

Crone: Tea, sir?

Stewie: Oh, thank you, Crone. You're so pleasant.

Stewie had a sip of his tea.

Crone: Would you like to check on the race, sir?

Stewie: Yes, why not.

When Stewie checked on the race, he realized he was heading straight for a tree.

Stewie: AAAUAUAUUGGH!

He crashed his cabin into a tree, and when it got destroyed, Stewie didn't had a single scratch on him.

Dbzfreak60: What the- how the Hell is that possible?

Stewie: I-I dunno, bro. I-I-I don't know.

* * *

A green car stopped at a stop light and to his surprise, Stewie and Glory appeared by his windshield with guns.

Stewie: GET OUT OF THE (Bleep) CAR! GET OUT OF THE (Bleep) CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN!

Driver: OH, JESUS!

Glory broke the glass window. When she did, her hand was bleeding like when Peter punched the TV.

Glory: GET.. OUT.. OF THE (Bleep).. CAR! NOW!

Dbzfreak60: Glory, are you all right?

Glory: Uh-huh? I'm fine. No really.

She fell to the ground.

Stewie: Huh. Like father, like daughter, huh?

Dbzfreak60: Yeah, and she's adopted too. CUT! Somebody get the medical kit.

* * *

I began panting heavily.

Dbzfreak60: And.. that's.. a wrap.

I felling backwards into my chair before the trio surrounded me.

Glory: Are you okay, sir?

Dbzfreak60: No, I'm not okay. I just can't believe I've filmed half an hour of Buzz Killington.

Brian: I can't believe you actually survived that.

Stewie: I can't believe I crashed into a tree.

Glory: I can't believe I've hurt my hand.

Peter was shown carrying bread with butter.

Peter: I can't believe it's not butter. Hahahahahahaha! Next time will be the Road to Germany bloopers. Will they be funnier as the last. We'll find out.

Peter pointed towards the fourth wall.

Peter: Don't miss it.


End file.
